Laura's Journal

Laura’s Journal

1. Why they are fighting again with the small issues? Maybe I can change all that by saying the gentlemen callers. I know my mother that she really wants to mention about the gentlemen callers she had before. It can makes her happy. But why she likes to say about gentlemen callers I received, I think I will receive nothing. I know myself. I am not good, not pretty, I couldn’t do anything.
2. I walk alone in the street to the park now. I can see those animals again. Whenever I see those animals I am happy. The penguins, the plants, the birds are soo beautiful. I want to stay with them, and listen to their voice and their actions. But many people go there as well, maybe they will realize I am crippled. My leg is crippled, and I am not pretty, maybe they will judge my legs and my cloth just like the business school that I went before. Oh, I just couldn’t go back. That business school. The teachers are so bad. I know I am shy and I am bad at typing all the words. I am the worst in the school, I know that.
3. OMGGGGG! Mom knows I drop out of that business school. She must be soooo disappointed and sad to me. I don’t ever want to make her unhappy. She raises me up and endure everything I did.But I just couldn’t stay there anymore, I am so bad at typing because I just couldn’t control my hands and all of the people were laughing at me. Even teachers were like that, I couldn’t go back because I feel so bad to go there. However, I would go to the park everyday after I drop out. I can visit the penguins and the jewelry everyday. I can just be alone and talk to myself. That makes me feel good. I hope mom can understand me.
4. Oh. They are fighting again. Tom is drunk again and smoking in the fire escape. I can smell of that. Mom walks to him and tries to adjust him not to drink and smoke. I know mom is trying to be good and wants him to cut out smoking and drinking. I also want him not to drink. We want the best for him. Please, Tom. Don’t fight with mother and don’t leave the house again. Oh. My wish is beat the air, he is planning to go to the movie again. Oh no. My menageries just broken into pieces. My lovely menageries. There are the only friends I have. Tom just broke them! They are fagile and delicate, so people should pick them carefully. Oh my glass.
5. Mom says that there is a gentleman caller who  is coming to our house. I am so nervous and I don’t want any gentlemen callers to come over to our house. I have pleurosis, so I am crippled. Nobody will ever want to marry me. I am nothing but a burdensome. I know myself, and I think they are crazy to call the man over.
6. Oh, she says that man is O'Connor Jim. He is my first crush in my high school. Wait, How can my brother ever know Jim; right.  there are in the same factory. I know Jim is a really great and wonderful man in the high school, and he is a singer, a president in the high school time. I just couldn’t forget him. He is such a important person to me. He is the only one who talks to me. He is the one who gives me the name ‘blue rose’, so romantic. I think I still have love toward him. But I couldn’t. I am so shy, and I think I can never marry to him. He is so perfect, and I am just a girl with so many weakness.
7. Omg, He comes over to our house, Jim, the Jim that is good at everything. He is so perfect. Oh, but How can I fainted on the ground, so embarrsing. Ohh, but I finally can leave the table. I can still feel my feeling toward Jim. He is still like in the high school. I am curious about how is his life, but I am so bad, I don’t have any job, I am crippled.Well, the lights are all gone, so he came over just like mom commands him. I am so glad that he talks to me. At first, I am kind of shy and didn’t know what to say in front of him. Maybe he thinks I am not good, so I didn’t say anything, but then I tried to talk to him. He is so nice that he is even comforting me to be confident, and I think he likes me because he says I am special and unique, I am not like other girls, so maybe he likes me. We then try to dance in the room and he breaks my menageries, but that’s fine because I like him. At that time, I hope the time stops and we can dance and dance. Right, we also kiss after the dance. He says once more about I am pretty and beautiful. Maybe I really am. Maybe I can be confident. Maybe I can leave this house and find my interests are and live my own life. He inspires me. Noo, I don’t want to remember everything after this. Why! Gods want to treat me like this. I thought I am going to marry to him, maybe he likes me, but why he has a fiancee! I thought everything is going to happen. I thought. I just couldn’t afford it anymore. My heart tears into pieces and I know I am the person who couldn’t get any fortunes. I deserve it. Because I am crippled, I am dropping out the school, so maybe he doesn’t like me. Then, mother comes in and he tells my mom again. Is that real? My dream is just ripped. He left with my heart, I don’t know how can I stay in the house. Sigh. My mom is arguing with Tom again. No, I am so sad that I could never do anything to quell. Then, I hear something like Tom is going to the movie and left the house.
8. I cried but nothing changes, Tom left us and so did Jim. Mom is worried about him, I hope he comes back. Please Tom. We cannot live without you. We couldn’t. We seriously need you to come back. Please. We will never resist you to follow your dream, but we couldn’t leave without you.